Sunday , August 14 2022

No one wants to think about it: Open the conversation after the death of a baby


The words of the doctor were breaking the picture of Lori Nieto's imagination.

"There's no heartbeat."

Nieto was 36.5 weeks pregnant when she woke up and felt something away, so she was alone. She expressed her concerns to her family members, but she assured her and assumed she was overly concerned as Nieto was a nurse.

She was brushing her instincts and continuing, but the feeling of discomfort continued to the night. She threw a two liter bottle of soda, which had always had the baby kicked.

"He had just gone bing, bing, bing, bing, very active, with any kind of pop, "he said.

She knew she didn't like when she sat on her left side. It would often kick her until she went to the right. He set that for almost an hour, with a belly full of soda. Nothing happened.

That night, hospital staff confirmed that there was no heartbeat.

"I remember looking forward to the ultrasound screen and seeing his little hand floating," he said.

Moms can mourn each other

The baby, Nicholas, introduced the next day at 12 noon.

"This was the only thing mom I would be able to do for it ever," he said, adding that he could no longer look.

"Everything else you always predicted so that mum is erased."

Nieto He said he had appeared with his long umbilical string wrapped around his small body.

Hi he chose nothing epidural or medication. She wanted to feel it all, but also wanted to punish herself because she felt she should have known better.

Twenty years later, she's still going to grasp the sense of loss.

Lori Nieto said she spoke openly to two sons about her firstborn, Nicholas. (Submitted)

Sunday marks International Day of Bereavement Mothers, to recognize that mum is mourning the loss of a child. Nieto said that the loss was particularly complicated if the child died within the womb, because "you're not a mom, but you're not a mom."

She had given birth, but without a baby she felt she didn't count. This day of recognition makes her experience feel less lonely and authenticates her experience as a mother, she said.

Now, she is preparing to attend a Saskatchewan retreat in June for people who have suffered a perinatal loss, which includes abortions, stillbirths, t ectopic pregnancy or loss of a newborn baby up to a month old. Similar recessions take place in other parts of Canada and the U.

Nieto struggled with postpartum depression and suicidal tendencies after losing her baby. He said that perinatal loss can be a lonely, lonely experience.

That's why talking openly can help people who will certainly test it in the future, he says.

"Nobody wants to be part of this club, but if they are going to be in the club eventually, it should be a supportive one."

Stigma on perinatal losses continues

Nieto has been dealing with her loss for two decades. He said there was a desperate need for targeted support for families who have experienced perinatal loss.

He's still a topic discussed behind closed doors, he says, although it affects so many people.

"This is the most frightening thing a mother can predict. Nobody wants to think about it," said Nieto.

Kathy Simard, 34, said she was boring when people responded to stories about her missing daughter with the faces of an ashen and tough eyes.

"They need to flee from the scene when you talk about a dead baby," Simard said.

"Getting rid of that stigma would be huge."

She said people needed to give her the best and thought she needed a cuddle when recognition was needed.

Perinatal loss is not uncommon, according to statistics, but still taboo and stigmatization. (Tatiana Vdb)

Provincial data shows that, on average, 1,300 babies in the period between 2010 and 2014 have been miscarried, stillborn or died less than eight days after birth, according to Saskatchewan's Ministry of Health. The Ministry could not provide more recent statistics and said Life Statistics did not have a timeline for when new numbers would be readily available.

The Canadian Pediatric Society says that perinatal loss is "one of the most serious losses a person can experience."


Last August, Simard presented her daughter Izabelle dead at 31 weeks and six days.

"The love you feel to your children is something that you can't really experience until you have one and then to be ripped off from you, it's your own." very destructive, "he said.

She was told her husband early that they could lose the baby.

"Rather than having lung lungs and right lungs, she had two left lungs and two left sides of her heart and all her inserts were back," she said. "It is almost as though I was completely betrayed by my body."

Simard's fierce moments captured Izabelle after the presentation. Simard pushed the blankets that wore Izabelle back to take her in.

"I needed to look at every little small imperfection in her skin," said Simard.

"Those moments meant the world to me. I'll never get them again, that's the only time I've ever had to hold my daughter."

She was supported through the hospital's bereavement co-ordinator, Marlene Jackson, her friends, her family and the stealing loss support group. For her, the group is a bittersweet recovery.

"You are grateful that other people are going through it, but you're sad that other people are going through it," he said.

He said that these links had been enormous in the improvement and grieving processes.

Perinatal loss bereavement retreat

Simard plans to attend Saskatchewan's Perinatal Bereavement Retreat next month. The two day event is organized by the. T Twinkle Star Project, organization created to help people access support services, and resources for families who mourn perinatal loss.

It's best known for its baskets project, although volunteers knit small, delicate baskets so that families can build up their babies in hospital after a loss.

He has distributed more than 1,000 baskets in Saskatchewan, Alberta and Manitoba, and most recently has added a small basket, for abuses in the first three months.

Simard said that contacts made with others who have experienced similar losses have been enormous in the improvement processes.

That is, in part, why it looks forward to a retreat where there is no need to hide anything and nothing that might be surprising.

"This is an opportunity to be open and free," he said.

She is also keen to meet more people who may be further forward in their grieving process.

"That's giving me hope, that I'm eventually going to be like they are, more acceptable, more open, more able to see clearly," he said. "At the moment I'm still my fog of grief."

Nieto said that her son's thoughts had stayed ahead, even as she raised her other two boys. She still says a good evening to Nicholas, with only a blank air meeting.

The expectation of the bereavement retreat stimulates feelings of vulnerability.

"I have lived with this heart that has been intensely broken for so long that part of me is afraid of losing it because then what am I without?" he said.

Nieto is hopeful that the retreat will give her time to work through the loss and honor of Nicholas. He said the grief had never improved, but it's easier.

"This is on my shoulders, it's so heavy that it's so hard. I don't want any other mother to have to carry themselves around for 20 years."

The Perinatal Bereavement Loss Retreat takes place 1 June and 2 in Arlington Beach, Sask.

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